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It's been such a long time...

Wow. I haven't posted on this here thing in quite some time. And frankly, looking back on these posts depresses the ever loving hell out of me. Fake ex-boyfriend is long gone, thankfully. Reading these posts make me even more thankful for this.

It's amazing how people affect us- even when we know that we're letting them. Such was the case with fake ex-boyfriend. I knew from the get go that he didn't care, that he was a bit selfish and strange, and that he had a rather disturbing relationship with his mother and sister. I knew that he wouldn't be around for long, but yet...I let him come around. Age and fear can do strange things. Combined with isolation, the three make for an evil trifecta.

I've learned. Oh how I've learned.

I am such an idiot

Since I haven't seen fake boyfriend much in the last few weeks, I thought it would be nice to do something for him. I know he's been busy and hasn't been feeling all that great. My great idea was to bring lunch out to him. So I did. And I shouldn't have.

I walked in the room and he was watching a movie that his class had been watching the period before. He hadn't finished it, so he wanted to see the end of it. I thought there were just a few minutes left, so I went with it. The movie went on and on and on. He dug in to the lunch that I had brought and didn't so much as utter a syllable to me. I left it alone. The movie finally, FINALLY ended, and so I tried to ask him about his day, his game, blah blah blah. He kinda growled about how tired he was, and he resembled my 20 month old nephew. When adults get tired, it's generally not considered polite to take it out on others. I guess he doesn't know this.

A few minutes of strange silence ensued, and I really didn't know what else to say or do. I tried to be positive and to be supportive. He acted as though he didn't even care that I was there. He announced that he had to go open the gym, and that was my cue. Lunchtime was over.

As I drove home, I felt like a giant idiot. WHY IN THE HELL do I keep doing nice things for him? I don't know if it's because I think something will change or if it's because I feel like this is the best that it's ever going to get. I got angrier and angrier, and I then I remembered- He thinks that he's doing "nice" things for me by calling me. I doubt that I ever even register on a daily basis. And that just feels crappy.

I know all of this is my own stupid fault and that I'm venting. He doesn't care about me and never will. I have never in my life met anyone so socially and emotionally inept. And believe me, that's really saying something. He is a good person with some really great qualities, but there is clearly something missing. I can't fix that, nor will I attempt to. But I believe that I have been a great friend over the years and deserve better than a growl at lunch.

I was upset when he called last night. I probably said something to piss him off, so he has ignored me today. No calls, no texts. I don't deserve to be treated this way, but here I am...venting about it on my blog. I know it's all just stupid and that I should just let it all go.

If only it was that easy.

Take care of people

After being knocked on my ass for the past NINE days with uncontrollable pain and discomfort, I have come to realize something very important: We have to take care of each other. If you know there is someone out there who is sick or in pain, reach out. If you know someone who is lonely or having trouble, reach out. If you know of someone who is reluctant or shy, take a chance and reach out.

Here's the other thing- The people you think will come to your aid are not often the ones who actually do. I have used this experience to rid myself of the "users" in my life. It's not an easy thing to do, but sometimes it's necessary.

I miss my life. I miss driving. I miss teaching, and walking, and going to the post office. I miss going for half price drinks at Sonic. I miss seeing people and going for my morning coffee.

I'm waiting for my new beginning here, but I'm not going to take those things for granted. And from now on, I'm going to make sure that I take care of people.

Living in a material world

Another birthday has come and gone. I certainly feel old, but that's not necessarily the calendar's fault. All of my family and several of my friends called with birthday wishes, and I was thrilled and a bit shocked at a few who actually remembered. What shocked me the most, though, was that my birthday was not acknowledged by someone rather close to me.

Now I'm not a present hound by any means. Sure, presents are fun, but I have always preferred giving the perfect gift over waiting for ones given to me. I spend a lot of time pondering gifts, and I am known for being a good gift giver. It's not that I spend a lot of money- I just like to find unique things that are meaningful and specific to the person for whom they are given. When I go on trips, I like to bring things back for special people just to let them know I was thinking of them when I was away. It's not the gift, I figure- It's the THOUGHT.

Needless to say, I spent a lot of time working on a birthday for my special someone when it was time for his birthday. I thought it had all of the elements of a great girlfriend gift- it was meaningful, it was unique, and it was from the heart. I'm not sure how it went over; He seemed to like it, but it's often hard to tell. I brought him mementos from my trips this summer just so he would know I was thinking of him.

So, what, you may ask, did he give me for my birthday? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No card. No note. Nada. Believe me when I say that I would have been THRILLED to have gotten a card with a nice note inside. I would have been thrilled with anything because he's never written anything to me, never given anything to me. It's bothering me more than it should, perhaps, but there are times when it is indeed the thought that counts. This is an instance when the thought definitely would have counted for all that and more.

I don't believe that it's materialistic of me to want to be remembered on my birthday. I know he doesn't put much stock in birthdays, but he knows that they are special to me.

My plan now is to get myself a present and pretend that it is from him. I may even wrap it. I don't think I can go so far as to write a card, though. So guys, write your gals a note every now and then. Buy her a token of your affection- It doesn' t have to be much, and if it does have to be much, then she isn't the kind of girl you want.

Sometimes It's Hard to Understand

There was a story in Friday's Ft. Worth Star-Telgram that really stuck with me. The story told of a 7 year-old girl named Trinity Bright who has an inoperable brain tumor. Since her family feared she wouldn't make it to the end of the month, they, along with the rest of her neighborhood, decided to have an early Halloween for Trinity. The entire neighborhood dressed up, went trick or treating, and had a big block party. Maybe it's because I have a 7 year-old, maybe it's because I've had a cancer scare myself, or maybe it's just the timing of it, but my heart just broke for this family.

Today's Star-Telegram reported that little Trinity Bright passed away yesterday, just two days after her early Halloween.

Sometimes I don't understand why children have to go through such horrible things, and I can't imagine being a parent and watching a disease ravage a young child's little body. I get angry sometimes at the pain that I live with, but I'm an adult. I don't understand it, and I like it even less- But, still, I'm an adult and know that sometimes things just happen. Children don't understand this.

My thoughts and prayers go out to this family this evening, and may their little girl rest in peace and be free from the pain that she has had to experience.

Since the World Series is near...

Sighhhh... the RANGERS! UGH!


The Texas Rangers Provided Us With Yet Another Season in Hell
Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 11:23:29 AM
Another season, another last-place finish, another shrug, another yawn. In the wake of an obscure 75-87 disappointment that has already camouflaged itself alongside the other 22 losing seasons in franchise history, you’d like to hear something drastic or at least different from the Texas Rangers. Maybe, “Shit’s gonna change!” Or, “We’ve got to spend some serious money.” Better still, “That’s it, I’m selling the team.”

But instead of a Mike Gundy rant that would somehow feel therapeutic, the Rangers are again selling us, “Yeah, but we tried really hard and, generally, people still like us.” But are you buying? (For those who are, there's an 11:30 a.m. end-of-season press conference today; it'll be broadcast in its entirety on KTCK-AM.)

When the Rangers open the 2008 season they will look eerily similar to the outfit that just finished third or worse in a four-team division for the seventh straight season. The real changes -- the fresh faces acquired in the draft and via the trading of Make Teixeira, Kenny Lofton and Eric Gagne -- won’t arrive in Arlington until 2009. Barring the unlikely signing of free agent Curt Schilling, the pitching rotation will be Kevin Millwood, Vicente Padilla, Brandon McCarthy, Kason Gabbard and Edinson Volquez. Excited yet?

Remember, opening-day starter Robinson Tejada finished the season in the minors. Typical Rangers. Status quo Rangers. With Akinori Otsuka shelved the last two months with a mysterious forearm injury, there’s doubt about next year’s closer. C.J. Wilson was electric at times, converting 12 of 13 chances. But manager Ron Washington isn’t convinced.
“We’ve got some guys who we can groom to be a closer at some point,” Washington said last week. “But nobody that’s ready to step in and be the guy right now.”

Barring the unlikely signing of free agent Torii Hunter, who happens to live in The Colony, the lineup will be similar to the one that scored 16 runs in the home finale, then managed just seven during three season-ending losses in Seattle. Typical Rangers. Status quo Rangers.
Washington will be back. Same for general manager Jon Daniels. And hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo, expected to get a new contract. Of Texas’ free agents -- Sammy Sosa, Brad Wilkerson, Jamey Wright and Jerry Hairston -- only Hairston and Wilkerson are gone for sure. Apparently the only tweak in ’08 will come in Surprise, Arizona, where Washington promises to revamp his spring training regimen. He blames the team’s disastrous 23-42 start on pitchers reporting to camp out of shape and on hitters and fielders not being on the field in crunch time of exhibition games.

“Guys have got to get more at-bats,” Washington said. “And we’re going to keep them in games late to finish off those wins instead of letting the scrubs do it.”
Of course, that’s not going to play real well with veterans.

“He’s the manager,” said All-Star shortstop Michael Young. “But I know how many at-bats I need to get ready for the season.” Or does he? Young hit .214 in April, helping pave the way for a slow start that led to a mid-season change of plans, another rebuilding project and, ultimately, more dirt on the Rangers’ coffin.

Total games in franchise history: 5,705.
Total playoff game wins in franchise history: one. --