The last word

All I can say tonight is this: When your end product is people, you're going to be let down. Maybe it's because I teach seniors. Maybe it's because I teach in the district that I do. Maybe it's that I know too damn much. Maybe it's just because it's the end of February and I'm getting tired.

Who knows. Whatever the case, I'm going to now curl up into a ball and watch "The Big Lebowski" until I fall asleep.

If I could have just 5 minutes

Sometimes I -really-wish I could sit down with the man upstairs and ask him a thing or two. Today is one of those days.

One of my students lost his mother a few years ago in a car accident. She left three young children and a mess of a husband. The youngest daughter is failing multiple classes. The middle one struggles to keep things together. My student, the oldest, moved out of his home and is now living with friends. He is supposed to be receiving money every month, but his dad isn't letting any of it go. He is supposed to have college paid for, but it looks like that might be in jeopardy, too.

Why is this my concern?

I knew his mother. She and I went to the same high school. I thought she was so, so cool, too. She was one of those people who was genuinely kind to others. She was a lifeguard at the city pool for years, and I always found reasons to ask her questions or talk to her. I really admired her.

I know his grandmother. I see her walking in the cemetery every day as I head towards the track. She worries so much about those kids- She asks me about them all of the time. She rarely gets to see them, as their dad keeps them away from her. She would love nothing more than for the girls to live with her and go to school here. (They went to school here until their mother's death.) The courts won't let that happen, even though they are being neglected.

I wish I could do more, but I can't. I wish I could understand why these kids have to go through this- a life they certainly didn't deserve. They need a mother so badly, and I just don't understand why theirs had to be taken from them. None of it makes sense. I have to believe that there is a bigger design, a bigger reason. But right now, I'm at a loss.

If I could have just a few minutes of God's time, this would definitely be something I would ask Him about.

And the Oscar goes to...

Yes, tomorrow night is Oscar night once again. Though many scoff and the complete indulgence and ridiculousness of Hollywood, I still enjoy watching the Oscars. The opulence is astounding, and also, I'm a lover of cinema. I absolutely love watching moves. Let me rephrase that- I love watching GOOD movies. So here are my Oscar pics for tomorrow night.

Best Actor-
I'm going to go with Will Smith here. He's been the media darling since the nominations were announced, and he really did an amazing job in this film. The film was okay, but Smith's performance was amazing.

Best Supporting Actor-
I like Alan Arkin for this one. He's been around awhile, and he hasn't won an Oscar since the 60s, I think. His performance was hysterical and a win would be icing on the cake.

Best Actress-
It's got to be Helen Mirren. She has been getting mucho press since she won the Golden Globe for her performance of Queen Elizabeth. I can't wait to see this film.

Best Supporting Actress-
Jennifer Hudson. Call it a hunch, but this American Idol alum has had 'dream' year, so why should it stop now?

Best Picture-
I wish Little Miss Sunshine would win this, but I think Babel might have a chance here.

If you are like me (and let's hope you aren't for your sake!) you have practiced your Oscar acceptance speech. What category are you winning? I am winning the Best Original Screenplay award and my speech would go something like this-
'I would like to thank the members of the Academy for recognizing my work and for recognizing this film. This has truly been a labor of love, and I thank all who have supported me and my writing throughout the years. I would like to thank my parents, my siblings, my children, and would especially like to thank Jim Jarmusch for believing in this screenplay and for bringing it to the screen. Thank you all.'
Simple, eloquent, and to the point, don't you think?

Memories in Green

So I spent the entire day at the double V at an academic meet. For those of you who have never had the opportunity to attend one of these little gems, let me explain. For coaches, it means you have to keep up with gads of entry forms, kids, and meet results. It's similar to a track meet in that there are different events happening concurrently and results trickle in throughout the day. One can kill five hours in what feels like a matter of minutes. However, when it hits about 3 or 4pm, and the momentum is wearing off and the kids have finished their events, it is easy to crash and burn.

Since the meet was held at my old stomping grounds, I had loads of time to reflect upon my two years there. I walked around and looked at all of my old haunts- my classroom, the workroom, and the coaches' office. I see my tenure at the double V with a mixture of disappointment and frustration. However, it was there that I felt I was making the most difference. I attribute this to teaching junior high kids, though, and not with the institution. I couldn't believe how many of the kids remembered me, and it was great to see how much some of them have grown up over the years. I felt like a proud parent of sorts.

Sometimes it's hard looking back, though- remembering mistakes, remembering difficult times, remembering stupid choices. However, while pulling out of my old parking space, I left feeling surprisingly at peace with things. I'm not the same person I was when I was there; I like to think that I'm a better one. Despite the academic meet exhaustion, I felt good to be in motion and felt even better that I'm no longer there.

Valentine's Day is Fo Suckas

Valentine's Day is Fo Suckas: A Compilation

1. A Style Called Crying Chic- Pop Levi
2. You Wouldn't Like Me- Tegan and Sara
3. There Is an End- The Greenhornes
4. Heart of Gold- Neil Young
5. I Am Over It- The Dandy Warhols
6. I Was a Lover- TV on the Radio
7. I'm Lonely, But I Ain't That Lonely Yet- White Stripes
8. Lost Souls Forever- Kasabian
9. Time is Honey (So Cut the Shit)- Brian Jonestown Massacre
10. Sour Girl- Stone Temple Pilots
11. Times Like These- Foo Fighters
12. Sad Sweetheart of the Rodeo- Harvey Danger
13. Blown a Wish- My Bloody Valentine
14. Hurt- Johnny Cash

All the Lonely People Pt. II

One of my friends- one of those near and dear people to me- told me that after 15 years.... It's splitsville. I am so saddened by this- I'm not totally surprised, but I guess the optimistic part of me hoped for the best. I really thought they could make it. They have been through so many hard times together and have made it through. I've always admired what they had- Seeing two people who both really had it rough growing up- and seeing them actually make it. They're both so wonderfully likeable. (My friend is, hands down, one of the funniest people that I know. He has the uncanny ability to make even the worst situation seem, well, funny.) And even through this trying time, he hasn't lost his sense of humor. I wish so badly that I could sit down with her and tell her that the grass isn't greener and that life after divorce is not something to be taken lightly.

When at mass this weekend, the priest gave a special marriage blessing and asked all of the married people to stand. Such moments are mortifying. I looked around me... There was me. There was the guy whose 30 something year marriage ended a couple of years ago sitting with his daughter. There was the guy I knew in high school who just split with his high school sweetheart sitting with his kids. There was my friend's sister who just moved back from Chicago following a very, very nasty divorce. And then there was the rest of the congregation...standing...being blessed. I felt low there for a couple of minutes, but then I looked at my fellow divorcees and felt grateful that we're all still there. We haven't completely given up the faith, obviously.

I went to the track today and saw yet another recently divorced acquaintance from high school. I watched him run, knowing the rumors I've heard...knowing the pain he's in.

As I walked, I thought of all of these things. I thought of all of these families and of all of this pain. It doesn't seem to make sense how there can be so many lonely people in the world, so many selfish people in the world. We are all so imperfect and so very fragile.

When my friend told me about his day yesterday, I just wanted to cry...because I've been there. I know what that kind of lonliness is like, what that kind of emptiness is like. He doesn't deserve that. No one does.

I really can't make sense of any of it.

Looking forward, looking back

Since I must be a glutton for punishment, I looked up the press release detailing my ex's new job in Washington. How I even found out where he landed was a complete fluke, so I thought I would at least see how he's manuvered his resume as of late. He's gooood. Very good.

I have had a few sleepless nights of late, and my thoughts harkened back to those days in California. I have the unique ability, as I think most of us do, to mute the bad things in our lives. They are not forgotten, but they are rather softened over time. Call it one of humanity's basic survival mechanisms. The wrongs done do me during those years have NOT been forgotten, but I began to think about the small glimmers of humanity that I saw in him- He who has the humanity and heart of a piece of coal.

I remember his commencement speech at CSU- (the one I helped write!)- and how moved the crowd seemed to be. People came up to me for weeks afterward to tell me how much they LOVED that speech and how they had never heard one so moving, so captivating. Yes, he's good.

I remember the insanely fancy dinner we were invited to at Rancho Bernardo Inn- a place that I DREAM of going back to someday- and how he had the entire table of CEOs and VIPs laughing and enjoying themselves. This was a group of people that ordinarily would have never been in the same room, but yet he had everyone connected in such a way that it seemed we had all known each other for years. Yes, he's that good.

I remember the party that we hosted for Dale Chihuly- who is really a cool guy- weird, but cool- and how all of these odd ducks and rich benefactors were there. I remember the roses and the muted blue lighting and how absolutely beautiful everything looked. I remember Chihuly's sculptures and how I remembered the name of one that particularly pleased me. I reminded the ex of this and then he gushed about it to Chihuly in terms that the most savvy art major can't handle. Chihuly stayed all evening. Yes, he's that good.

He keeps getting big job after big job. He's praised and lauded by many. He's smart, though, in that he always moves on just when people are beginning to catch on to his act. He's not a total sham- He CAN deliver. It's just that his personal life always seems to get in his way. He's scary smart and probably has the highest IQ of any person I know. However, he has no soul. Some people figure that out and some people never do. Looking back, I figured it out pretty darn quickly. I was just naive enough to think that maybe I could bring it out of him somehow. If I met him for the first time today, I'd see right through his bullshit. I know that for a fact because now? Now I have a sixth sense about that sort of thing. This is why I'll never be a rich woman.

But you know what? That's ok. Souls can't be bought. I give his gig in Washington 3 years.

All the lonely people

There are days when I can take pain. There are days when I can't. Today was one of those days.

For some reason, my back decided to be an asshole last night. I wasn't table dancing, nor was I trying to complete an advanced yoga class- I was simply trying to get into bed after a long day's work. Something happened. I felt that unmistakable cramp- you know, that feeling you get right before your leg starts to cramp up- I felt it building at the base of my spine. It began crawling northward toward my troubled vertebrae, and so I stayed perfectly still hoping that it would pass.

No such luck.

I knew I had to get to my medicine. I didn't have a phone near me, and my kids were asleep. So, I began my attempt to get up and mobile. Using my alarm clock as my guide, it took me 9 minutes to get from my nightstand to the foot of my bed. I was breaking out in a sweat by this point, but I had to keep going. I braced my lower back and guided myself against the wall of my bedroom and then the hallway. By this time, I was gritting my teeth and wondering why God hates me so much. I made it to the kitchen a few minutes later, found my medication (last one!), and located the phone. I don't remember getting back to bed. I remember being in bed and shivering and trying to stay still. The medicine (how I love thee) started kicking in about this time, and I could feel the knot at the base of my spine start to loosen. Then I fell asleep.

I woke up feeling like a truck had hit me. I called my principal at the appropriate time, and so there I was....

When you stay woozy with painkillers, a lot of things take focus in the out of focus. Pain is a lonely thing. No one really understands it (unless they've been there too) and no one really wants to (who could blame them). I can manage quite nicely when I'm mobile, but when I'm knocked on my ass the way I have been several times in these last two weeks, I feel like the loneliest person on the planet. It's like no one wants to "catch" whatever it is that you have. When I hear about people's "brave fight" against diseases, there's a part of me that knows that brave face one must put on- Showing one how you really feel might scare off everyone entirely. So, of course you have stay brave on the outside. In the inside, it's lonely and scary and frustrating.

I suppose I'm angry today. I'm angry that after all of this...I still hurt. After all of the tests, surgery, therapy, injections, medications, etc. etc... It still doesn't work. Tonight, though, I'll settle for a spasm-free slumber. The rest can wait.

Miracles

This weekend I had the opportunity to view the BodyWorld exhibit. The exhibit features real bodies and parts of bodies that have been plasticized using some sort of preservation method. I wasn't sure if I would be up to this kind of thing, but I was amazed by the things that I saw. First of all, this is unlike anything I have ever seen in a textbook or regular museum model. I saw bascially every body part- real ones- laid out in front of me with descriptions of how they work and what they do. There were examples of artifical knees and hips, the lungs of a smoker, the liver of an alcoholic, and hardened arteries. There was a woman with an 8 month old fetus...I was amazed. I was amazed at how small the kidneys really are and at how large the aorta really is. I saw the vertebrae- the ones like mine that have died- and realize how something so very, very small can impact the quality of life.

What I was left with is the sense of amazement and wonder that anyone ever lives to the age of 50. Why? I see now just how many things can go wrong and just how many systems have to work together in order for the body to function. There are so many tiny parts of us that have to work correctly in order for us to work at all.

The exhibit is something that everyone should see.

http://www.bodyworlds.com