All the lonely people

There are days when I can take pain. There are days when I can't. Today was one of those days.

For some reason, my back decided to be an asshole last night. I wasn't table dancing, nor was I trying to complete an advanced yoga class- I was simply trying to get into bed after a long day's work. Something happened. I felt that unmistakable cramp- you know, that feeling you get right before your leg starts to cramp up- I felt it building at the base of my spine. It began crawling northward toward my troubled vertebrae, and so I stayed perfectly still hoping that it would pass.

No such luck.

I knew I had to get to my medicine. I didn't have a phone near me, and my kids were asleep. So, I began my attempt to get up and mobile. Using my alarm clock as my guide, it took me 9 minutes to get from my nightstand to the foot of my bed. I was breaking out in a sweat by this point, but I had to keep going. I braced my lower back and guided myself against the wall of my bedroom and then the hallway. By this time, I was gritting my teeth and wondering why God hates me so much. I made it to the kitchen a few minutes later, found my medication (last one!), and located the phone. I don't remember getting back to bed. I remember being in bed and shivering and trying to stay still. The medicine (how I love thee) started kicking in about this time, and I could feel the knot at the base of my spine start to loosen. Then I fell asleep.

I woke up feeling like a truck had hit me. I called my principal at the appropriate time, and so there I was....

When you stay woozy with painkillers, a lot of things take focus in the out of focus. Pain is a lonely thing. No one really understands it (unless they've been there too) and no one really wants to (who could blame them). I can manage quite nicely when I'm mobile, but when I'm knocked on my ass the way I have been several times in these last two weeks, I feel like the loneliest person on the planet. It's like no one wants to "catch" whatever it is that you have. When I hear about people's "brave fight" against diseases, there's a part of me that knows that brave face one must put on- Showing one how you really feel might scare off everyone entirely. So, of course you have stay brave on the outside. In the inside, it's lonely and scary and frustrating.

I suppose I'm angry today. I'm angry that after all of this...I still hurt. After all of the tests, surgery, therapy, injections, medications, etc. etc... It still doesn't work. Tonight, though, I'll settle for a spasm-free slumber. The rest can wait.